All about my anxiety attacks

Today’s conversation when Kenneth’s brother picked us up to go to Costco:

Kenneth: “Guess where we were last night!!”

Brother: “Ummmmmm…….. I don’t know, just tell me.”

Kenneth: “The hospital!”

Brother: “Oh. I thought it would be something new or exciting or at least different.”

I had another really bad episode last night, and I told Kenneth that if it lasted more than 2 hours, we needed to go to the ER again because the only way I would be able to stop shaking so bad was if I was loaded up with Benadryl and Ativan.

So around 2 AM (2 hours after the episode started) I was driven back to the ER. I finally went home 2 hours and $50 later.

I flipping hate the hospital.

Anyway, I really wanted to explain what the pseudo-seizure episodes are and why I’m going through this really difficult experience.

Every doctor I’ve seen has told me that I’m simply having multiple anxiety attacks, and my body just constantly has tremors as sort of a residual effect. They explained that the anxiety came from the abuse I experienced.

Why the heck would I have anxiety attacks NOW? I made a LOT of progress on my own while I was in the situation, but now I’ve left the situation, and I’m actually getting professional help. Why didn’t I breakdown earlier?

Let me compare my experiences to an experience my counselor Elaine shared with me. I guess she used to participate in crazy wilderness survival activities, and she told me about one to explain what I’m going through.

Elaine and the group she went with to survive in the wilderness were not provided food or water for 48 hours while they hiked 20 miles. She made it through alright, but after they were done hiking and they rested for the upcoming challenges, her body started shaking violently. It didn’t exactly like what she was putting it through.

The point was that Elaine’s body knew it had to continue going through the experience, but when it knew that it could rest, it reminded her that it was hurting, it went through a lot of trauma, and she needed to do something to fix it.

That’s what’s happening to my body. The difference is that I put my body through emotional trauma rather than physical.

While I was in my house and knew I had to go back to live with my parents, my body and mind did what it could to remain calm and stay sane. But now that I’ve been realizing that I’m in complete control of my life and never have to see my parents again if I so choose, my body’s like, “Okay! I’m done keeping everything bottled up! I’m hurt, and I need to be taken care of! Help me out and TAKE A BREAK from everything you’re doing and focus on your sanity for a little bit here!”

I knowwwwwwwww that I need to pretty much just lay in bed and do absolutely nothing for a week straight if I want the tremors to stop and my episodes to cease entirely, but I can’t…. I get bored and have to go to dance parties like I normally do on the weekends and end up puking and passing out….

But that’s beside the point.

The point is, take care of yourself. If you move too quickly, you’ll have to take a break eventually, and that’s when your body will catch up with you, and it will tell you to CALM DOWN and GET HELP.

Please do not reach the point I have. It freaking sucks. I would not wish the pain I’m going through upon anyone. My heart aches for children and adults who have been abused emotionally and physically and the thought of sexual abuse makes me want to cry.

Going through the abuse is painful enough. Getting past it is arguably more painful. But when the nurse asked me what my pain level was on the 1-10 scale, I had to say a 9. I don’t think it was as painful as childbirth or passing a kidney stone, but I’d say it was close.

My body has been hiding this pain for 19 ½ years. I don’t think my anxiety attacks would be NEARLY this bad if I’d done something sooner. In fact, I’m absolutely positive I wouldn’t be going through this much physical trauma if I’d acted sooner.

Take my advice and do something NOW.

I have my email address listed on the right-hand column if you need help getting started.


Let me go back and explain my purpose here…

I have been realizing that my blog seems really negative and may be kind of depressing. I do NOT want my posts to just be full of complaints about how terrible my childhood was. Right now, I have a pretty great life! I live in a nice house with 4 fantastic roommates, I work 2 jobs that I absolutely love, and best of all I have a wonderful, loving, caring, supportive boyfriend, and he is my best friend in the whole world.

Was it easy getting to this point in my life? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But I did it! I’m still working on it! Life is wayyyyyy better than it was.

There are 3 main points I want to make right now.

1. You don’t have to finish in the same place you started.

People start off in terrible situations, and people end up in terrible situations, and in both cases most people feel as if there is no chance for anything to ever get better.

But there is ALWAYS hope.

I started from the bottom, but I am also successful so far. Just because I was suffered in my childhood doesn’t mean I have to continue to suffer in my adulthood.

I’m in the time of my life where I am figuring out who I am and what I am going to be. I am NOT a victim, I’m NOT going to just blame things on my past, and I am NOT going to be abusive in the future.

You can make the same decisions if you choose to.

2. Life is hard and you shouldn’t go through it alone.


You don’t need to!!!! It’s so much easier if you have help!!!

I’m learning how to take control of my own life, but I’m not going to lie, it’s a long, hard process. I know I’m not alone in going through it, and I don’t want anyone else to feel alone while they’re going through it either. There’s always help and guidance you can receive, and there are many ways to receive it. This is the order (number one being the most helpful) of people I receive help from:

1. My heavenly Father

2. My boyfriend

3. My Church leaders

4. My counselor

5. My friends’ parents

6. My friends

If you are looking for people to help you through your trials, you can get some ideas of who to turn to from my list, or maybe you have a different support system.

The most important thing is to let people help you.

3. Ask and you shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you.

DO NOT feel as if you have no one to turn to. There is ALWAYS at least one person who is willing to help you. But most of the time they won’t come up to you and offer it. Why not? They probably don’t know that you are in need. I can guarantee that if you let someone know you are struggling, and they will help you.

It is so scary trying to talk to someone. It’s really hard. And it hurts a lot at first. At least that’s how I felt. But it is totally worth it. I promise. And I don’t make promises that I can’t keep.